‘Why don’t these American parents adopt U.S. kids?’

Adopted child in Russia with American parent

My sister-in-law with her newly adopted daughter, Moscow, 2011. (Photo credit: Brunsvold family)

“Well, I just don’t understand why she has to go all the way across the world to adopt when there are so many kids right here in our own backyard who need a home. It’s so sad.”

This, or something strikingly similar, was the response one of my relatives voiced when she heard my sister-in-law was adopting a little girl from Russia. This was not the first time I had heard this response to international adoption, and it was not the last.

My sister-in-law is not alone in enduring such criticism. Americans who have adopted internationally hear this time and time again. And to be honest, it’s something that really, really gets under my skin.

Makes. My. Turkey. Fry.

International adoption is not better or more admirable than domestic adoption — but it is certainly not less either. And my turkey sizzles when it is looked upon as less, wrong, misguided or in any way self-serving.

It’s time to direct attention away from preconceived notions and misinformation about international adoption and focus on the lovely contained within it. Because, oh, how much lovely there is to see!

1. What matters is not from where parents adopt; what matters is that they are adopting. It matters they are standing up for an orphan. My sister-in-law is among the few called to give an all-in response to the world’s orphan crisis. She was called to provide a home. Others are called to provide another form of care. What matters is they stand when it’s easier to sit (and criticize).

2. God does not see country lines; we do. When Jesus told us to love our neighbors, He made it clear that “neighbor” did not apply only to those within a 10-mile radius (Luke 10:25-37). The children in America do not have more or less value to Him than the kids in Russia or Uganda or Canada or Haiti. He made them all the same and wants all of them to know the love of a family. The fact He would pair a parent and child of two different cultures is the epitome of His statement that we are all His children (Galations 3:26) — one large, eclectic family for whom He has a big, big house.

3. Just as missionaries go where God sends them, so do adoptive parents. To criticize an American parent for adopting internationally is akin to criticizing an American missionary for choosing to live abroad. America is so spiritually depraved that other countries are seeing US as a missions field. They are sending missionaries to us. Yet no one here criticizes one of our own for going to Uganda to reach someone in the love of Christ. Why? Because they know the missionary is following God’s leading. The same mentality should be applied to adoptive parents. God may lead them to a domestic orphan, or He may say “Go 10,000 miles from here.” It is up to Him to decide, and it’s up to the parents to listen.

4. The only “sad” part about international adoption is critics can’t see that a child is now in a safe home. Really, that’s the bottom line. Why would anyone begrudge a child this chance simply because the child is from a different country? Why would anyone begrudge my niece this family — or my family this little girl? Look at her. She was not a mistake. She is a gift. Intended for us and us for her.

Three cousins together, one adopted

The three beautiful Brunsvold granddaughters, home, 2013 (photo credit: Gary Barber)

5. No one who opens their home to an orphan deserves blame for a broken system. Yes, it is heartbreaking that the U.S. has so many children in foster homes without forever families. God does not want these precious souls to wither. There is a lot of blame to be fairly placed on several points in the foster care system issue. But the adoptive families deserve ZERO of this blame. They answered the call bravely, stood up and leaned in where others could not or would not.

6. Neither domestic nor international adoption is easy, and those who go down this road deserve respect. Adoption is the response of someone motivated by pure love and desire to please their Maker when He told us to care for the orphans (Isaiah 1:17; James 1:27). Adoption is an arduous process domestically. International adoption comes with its own set of challenges, such as tens of thousands of dollars required, weeks upon weeks of travel time, international relations red tape, and years-long side effects from hellish conditions their child suffered. Hellish as in war, famine, massacres, disease, and lack of human touch. International adoption is not something to decry. It is something to celebrate, for just like with domestic adoption, it requires a deeply committed and self-sacrificial heart. It is exactly what this world could use more of.

Support groups for adoptive families are a thing for a reason. There is a whole level of trial and guilt and heartache that non-adoptive parents cannot understand. Whether they adopted domestically or internationally, or both, these families need support — not second-guessing and criticism.

Orphans need support even more.

I challenge you to prayerfully consider what your role is in the global orphan crisis. Find out what it is God is calling you to do to stand up for an orphan.

Then go do it.

Yours,

Sara

UPDATE TO ORIGINAL POST: I am overwhelmed and amazed at the response to this article. If you are visiting for the first time, welcome! I hope you find this to be a place of encouragement. I invite you to subscribe via email or like Find the Lovely on Facebook for more.

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62 thoughts on “‘Why don’t these American parents adopt U.S. kids?’

  1. Supper selfish of me, but I would adopt internationally because of the horror stories of a mother changing her mind after a year and getting the baby back! Also and this is sad, white babies are in high demand, so waiting lists are longer. That certainly doesn’t make international adoption easier! Anyone who opens their home to any child in need is so brave!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Emily, you hit on truth in that both domestic and international adoption is wrought with pitfalls and absolutely no guarantees. You don’t have to look far to find a horror story in either domestic or international. The bottom line is that adoptive parents should follow God’s leading, wherever it takes them, to whatever race the child may be, and for the sake of an orphan who cannot defend herself.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t think that is so selfish. My husband and I adopted internationally partially because we wouldn’t ever have to worry about someone showing up 6 months later and demanding our baby back. Even through the foster system, there is a huge risk that you will fall in love and the child will be ripped from your arms and sent back to an unstable and possibly dangerous living situation. After more than 10 years of continual disappointment due to infertility, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that type of loss.

      It was a wonderful day, the day we took off from Moscow, heading to the USA with our two little bundles of energy and joy, knowing that the adoption was secure, and there was no way a birthmother would come knocking on our door saying she changed her mind.

      The thing that really surprised me when we got home was that I always wanted to somehow reach out to their birthmother…..just to let her know her babies were well, loved, and happy. I never anticipated feeling a sense of loss at not ever meeting her. She made some serious mistakes, and lost custody of the two sweetest boys on the planet. I know they are better off with us, but still feel sad for a mama on the other side of the world.

      Liked by 3 people

    • I used to have this same negative attitude years ago and said I would never adopt children from a foreign country. Then God sent my husband and me to China TWICE to adopt. These are our only children, so people out there who don’t “get” international adoption, never say never. LOL!

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    • Where I live, Asian babies, especially girls, are more highly prized than white babies (of either gender). The mothers of adopted Asian girls meet regularly at the local Panera to share proud stories evidencing their child’s precocity and winningly cute social faux pas. After Asians (supposing you’ve done due diligence and ruled out physical and mental incapacities – increasingly common among available orphans of a desirable age, especially among girls), white babies are most highly valued, provided that there is no evidence of dissolute behavior on the part of the parents that might result in future diminished capacity on the part of the adopted child. In such cases, Russian or Eastern European adoptions provide a viable option, so long as one can rule out the possibility of physical or mental conditions that are not diagnosed or explicitly reported (autism, genetically inherited deficiencies). A child of the Semitic persuasion is acceptable only when you can positively rule out the possibility of autism or the neurotic tendencies associated with that race. When adopting in the Eastern Bloc, only choose newborns or children less than one year of age as malnutrition and (especially) poor dental care can lead to issues socially distressing and expensive as the school years approach. For those who must adopt domestically, an Hispanic child is preferable (obviously) although — and I claim no experience to support this assertion — early exposure in preschool settings to Asian or Jewish children may help to assuage the lazy tendencies that we associate with that race and culture. Of those children born to Pakistanis or within the subcontinent or descendents of the darker regions of Africa, I can assert no opinion for lack of any direct experience.

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    • When parents are unable to care for a child adopted internationally, for what are usually extenuating circumstances, the children usually go into the US foster system. Taking them back to their country of origin is not the norm. Yes, it is brave of parents to adopt, adoption is not for everyone.

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  2. Wonderfully said! As a single mom to a beautiful Siberian Princess who is thriving, healthy, smart, athletic, and a joy to all who know her, I have heard that question often. MY child was in Russia and that’s where God lead me. Neither of us is perfect, but we are perfect for each other.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Love how you summed that up, CJ: “Neither of us is perfect, but we are perfect for each other.” Amen. God bless you for facing the mountains before you to get to your daughter. Adopting as a single parent is not for the faint of heart.

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  3. I beg to differ with #4 — there are far too many folks who adopt a kid from overseas only to (1) quickly tire of them, (2) exile them to “crisis respite” or unlicensed Montana “ranches” for “kids” indefinitely and (3) disrupt or re-home them, Reuters Child Exchange- and Justin Harris-styles.

    The disrupt-ers and re-homers parents? Insist it’s “for the best” and their ex-kid is happier someplace else. The discarded child? Is devastated beyond words and traumatized by yet another abandonment. Read “The Child Catchers” by Kathryn Joyce, watch Dan Rather’s “Unwanted in America” or google “Masha Allen” (who would likely have been significantly less traumatized had she simply remained and eventually aged out of a ghastly Russian orphanage).

    ***

    It sounds like your SIL is a great mom who has provided a wonderful home for your Russian-born niece! I assume that she saved/earned the funds necessary to adopt — and had an income sufficient to properly care for a additional child, ie didn’t fundraiser the adoption costs of demand money from strangers immediately upon arriving in the U.S., because she couldn’t afford to care for her.

    While your SIL feels a God told her to fetch “her” child from Russia (and maybe He did!), others really truly believed God told them to rape/murder/plunder in His name (see: The Crusades), doing things because a deity told you to does not, alone, make following that kind of direction a good idea.

    Adoption can be a wonderful way to provide a loving home to a child that would otherwise do without. Adoption gone done wrong can be fatal.

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    • Kaite – you are right there are horror stories about international adoption. There are many horror stories about the foster care system as well.
      It is quite clear we have a long way to go to resolve the heartbreaking problems in the adoption and foster care systems.
      You seem very passionate about this topic, and I wish you success in putting that passion into action for the sake of these children.

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      • skbrunsvold, Thank you for such a kind reply to Katie. It was gracious, gentle, and loving.

        Katie, I’m wondering if you have had some personal experience with a failed international adoption that makes you so passionate about it? As the mother of Russian adoptees, I know many, many families who have adopted internationally, but have never personally known of even one failed adoption. My guess is that the percentage of failed adoptions are pretty low. On the contrary, I have seen many parents go to great lengths to help their adopted children, with counseling and medical bills, and a great deal of prayer.

        Maybe the biggest difference between international and foster-to-adopt is the fact that foster-to-adopt parents have their children in their homes for awhile before the adoption is complete. If they experience issues that overwhelm them, they can choose to back out before the adoption is finalized. With international adoption, in most cases, the adoption is finalized before your bring them home. Sometimes very incomplete or inaccurate information is given to the adoptive parents about the severity of the child’s issues. And, sometimes the parents haven’t been properly advised about the risks inherent in international adoption. And, of course, some parents have completely unrealistic expectations of the adopted child. Even so, I think it is a low percentage of adoptions that are failures, and the vast majority provide the blessing of a family to both the children and their parents.

        Just now, my 16 year old boy walked into the living room and said “I love you, Mom. I’m heading to bed.”. What sweetness! I am so glad that my husband and I were able to bring our twin sons home from Russia nearly 14 years ago. The thought of what their life would be like today if they grew up a orphans brings tears to my eyes. Like I have said to them, “Adoption takes two bad things (they needed parents and we needed children), and puts them together to make one happy family.”

        Did we go to Russia on a whim? No…it was through lots of prayer that the decision was made. Yes, the Lord God did tell us to go to Russia. He is real and He does speak to those who are willing to listen and obey. And, He heartily approves of adoption, since He adopts us into His family if we are willing.

        “God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.” ~ Ephesians 1:5

        And…those who “rape/murder/plunder” in the name of God are not hearing from God, because their actions do not line up with the Word of God, the Bible…..but adopting orphans does!

        “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” ~ James 1:27

        Liked by 2 people

    • There are problems when you adopt in foreign countries but no more so then when you adopt them here. Do you think that people don’t send their kids back to foster homes when they are adopted domestically? Let’s not kid ourselves. I have a friend who adopted a little boy internationally, who had been severely burned as an infant. They loved that little boy dearly and took excellent care of him. But when it came time to pick the safety of their family vs keeping him, they chose safety. They did rehome him with another loving family. Someone who could spend endless hours of devoted time with him. They tried for probably 3-4yrs to keep him and help him. But it just didn’t work out. When you adopt a child whether it is in country or out, you are adopting all the little idiosyncracies that you don’t know about that the child comes by genetically. There are many different tendencies that one might have, but you don’t know that without first knowing the family members first. Little quirks you could say, but some are more dangerous than others. Their might be hidden psychological issues that don’t come up until later.

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    • Katie,

      We have adopted four times from China and have friends who did disrupt an adoption after coming home and trying everything they could to help their child, when everything failed they placed her with another family who had experience with teens (and had adopted troubled teenagers before) and she is doing well. It is not something a family does without trying every other approach. TV reports focus on the worst possible (and rare) occurrence of re-homing. The adoption agencies are changing their contracts to make sure only approved families can adopt from a disruption.

      I have heard every possible negative comment and I can only speak for my husband and me when I say that adopting our four children (we have three adult bios also) has given our children a chance to have a future in this world they would never have had otherwise. In our youngest son’s case he would not be alive today if we had not adopted him and got him the medical treatment (open heart surgery) he needed. Our daughter was being starved and we doubt she would be alive today if we had not adopted her.

      Many people choose International adoption because they do not want someone knocking on their door years later demanding their child back (all the birth mother has to do is have a man who is not the father sign the paperwork, leaving the door open for the bio father to step forward at any point and the courts will take their child back) (Remember “Baby Jessica”)

      And lastly, foster care in this country is meant to try and reunite the birth parents with their child no matter how bad their home life is. A neighbor we had wanted to adopt a baby born drug addicted, every time the courts gave the birth mother back her child and months later it would all happen over again. This little girl grew up going back and forth between homes. Laws need to be changed.

      I hope I have helped you understand a bit more about adoption.

      Deb

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  4. Katie
    That is silly comparing adopting like the crusades or killing someone .We have 3 bio boys and my normal husband heard God tell him we had a daughter in Russia .Two years later we find out on that day their birth mother was signing away her rights .We were not trying to get pregnant .It has been a joy .I know not all stories are easy but that’s life .Now we have a child battling cancer and it’s not looking good .Life is broken here but we have hope .People who usually say why don’t you adopt here should be asked the same question .

    Like

    • Thank you for sharing your heart and story. I pray for your child and your family as you fight this difficult battle with cancer. I just cannot imagine the heartache this brings you. May you cling to the hope you have, and the lovely you can find. God be with you!

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  5. Adoption is a journey. Out Journey: My Partner and I discuss adoption, decide to look into it. We read as much as we can, meet with adoption agencies, social workers, other adoptive parents, parents that placed their kid for adoption, adoptive kids, and we prayed and meditated and we were lead to our son.

    Like

    • Adoption is a journey. Our Journey: My Partner and I discuss adoption, decide to look into it. We read as much as we can, meet with adoption agencies, social workers, other adoptive parents, parents that placed their kid for adoption, adoptive kids, and we prayed and meditated and we were lead to our son.
      It is a personal decision. We decided to adopt instead of having bio children…Our decision…our journey. 💘

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  6. I guess brain surgeons don’t think hearts are important because they don’t work with hearts. People aren’t trying to be mean, they just need to be educated on the subject. Adoption is complicated and emotionally charged. It is full of various dynamics which cannot be fully appreciated on the surface.

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  7. I have six kids. My older three(from my first marriage) are grown, ages 35, 31, and 28. My husband and I have 3 children who were adopted from China and Thailand. Autumn 19, was adopted from China at age 12 months. She now proudly serves our Country in the U S Marine corps. Caleb 17, was adopted from Thailand when he was two months shy of his third birthday, he is a high school senior and honors student. He plans to be a surgeon. Hannah 14, was adopted from China when she was six. She is a high school freshman and hopes to become a nurse.

    Each of these children were put on my heart by God. Each a very unique story to tell. Each a complete blessing to our family.

    Over the years I have received numerous questions from the general public, most of the time in front of my children.

    Where’d you buy them kids?
    How much did they cost?
    Are you baby sitting?
    Is her father Chinese?
    Couldn’t you have kids of your own?
    Do you love your biological kids more?
    Are they real sisters?
    Where’s their real mom/parents?
    Will she be able to speak English?
    Isn’t it like buying a kid?
    Why would you adopt over seas when we have kids here who need homes?
    I’ve had people tell me that they don’t think they could love a child that wasn’t their own flesh and blood! Or people who tell my husband and I how saintly we are for taking on the worlds throw aways!
    This next one was a conversation with a woman in the grocery store with my beautiful 18 month old daughter sitting in the shopping cart between us.
    Woman asks, Chinese right?
    Me kind of caught off guard answers uneasilly, yeah.
    Woman asks, Aren’t you worried?
    Me, bout what?
    Woman continues, Aren’t you worried that they put a chip in these kids brains over there and one day they are gonna push a button and all of them will start revolting and killing people?

    I guess to say that it’s mind blowing what complete strangers think they have the right to ask, would be an understatement! I have heard all of these in some form or another for the past 19 years.

    I have used these instances to educate my children about the ignorance of others. Some I answered honestly and sometimes I feel like, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. With some of them I love to just mess with them. Like when they ask, is her father Chinese? I say, no, he’s a 6’5″ German or I don’t know, I never saw him! I’ve had people equate the cost of adoption with the cost of a new car and how I’m somehow missing out on the material things in life! To those who ask why I’d go to Asia for a kid when we have kids right here in America who need homes my answer is this, because a kid is a kid no matter where they are from and all children deserve to be loved and cared for. Then I ask them if the kids here in the USA are such a burden on their heart, how many have they adopted?

    The bottom line is, people can be down right rude, offensive and just plain Jerks, but they can think what they want. It doesn’t change the fact that these are my precious children! Adoption is how they joined our family, it doesn’t define who they are! I love them all so very much!

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    • That’s quite a testimony! People can be rude, whether they mean to be or not. Most of the time it’s just lack of insight, as was the case with my relative. Your children sound lovely — and so do you!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Wow! The things people say!
      My son is living in China, has met a lovely young woman there, and we are going to their wedding in China in June. I wanted to adopt from China when we were not able to have any more kids, and we were not able to….I feel as if I have finally gotten my Chinese daughter! They plan on living here when they start a family, and heaven help anyone who makes comments like this about my daughter-in-law or grandkids!
      Judith Martin (Miss Manners) has a great response for those who ask inappropriate questions. She says you should looked as shocked as possible, and reply “Why in the world would you ever dream of asking such a question?!”
      God bless you and your precious ones!

      Like

  8. I’ve been asked that on more than one occasion. At first I was insulted but then began to simply use it as an opportunity to teach. We had two bio daughters, our oldest was born with Spina Bifida and died at thirteen years and one week (hell of a lot more time than the “experts” offered at her birth of one day!). We watched our second daughter deal with survivor’s guilt and resentment of so many times I needed to be with Amber in the hospital. Heather was also physically normal and gifted so she dealt with guilt at having abilities her sister didn’t. We adopted Hannah via an open, domestic adoption at birth. This after two failed adoptions where the birth mother changed her mind. I didn’t want Hannah to be the only one adopted in our family and as she was almost seventeen years younger than Heather, basically an only child with three parents. I also knew in my heart that we weren’t done. (My husband’s heart was totally okay at Hannah being “the caboose on THAT train”.) We tried going through CPS and were told all the horror stories about the children not being able to accept our love or loving us back. The last thing we wanted was to put Hannah in the position of having a special needs sibling after the major (still there 25 years after Amber’s death) fall out for Heather. So, we went to Ukraine with our list…10 to 18 months old, probably would be blonde headed and blue eyes as it was Eastern Europe (we’re not but Hannah is). Well, we brought home our son, Alexander who was almost four years old, part Romani so he’s got brown hair and brown eyes. Fourteen years later, the joke is on us as he was horribly abused in the orphanage in Sumy and he’s done all the things we’d feared with adopting via CPS except this: he loves us and he accepts my love. God has a wicked sense of humor it appears. I was angry for a long time as I’d prayed specifically for a son who was healthy mentally, physically and emotionally…..we got two out of three. However, my son’s prayer was more important than mine.

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    • Jeri – Clearly you put careful thought and prayer to your decisions — decisions that were not easy to make. I pray for the situation with Alexander. If anything can overcome, it is love. And it seems you have that strongly on your side.

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  9. Great article. Thankfully, no one has ever as ever said these things to us, when one glance quickly reveals that our daughter likely came from the other side of the planet. While we could debate all the religious, operational, and philosophical points or motivations in domestic vs. international adoption, why even have the argument? What matters is that, either way, these children are being given a vastly better chance than they would have had otherwise, and we are given a chance to enjoy the rewards of a family.

    Of course not all adoptions (domestic or international) work out well, just as not all bio children or non-adoptive parents are perfectly well-adjusted, happy, productive members of society. Where did all those kids in foster care come from in the first place, anyway?

    I anticipate someone, someday will insinuate that we are involved in human trafficking. I will say, “if by trafficking, you mean transporting children away from poverty, abuse, and neglect, and giving them love, medical care, a good education, and the opportunity to have a future other than prostitution, drugs, and crime, then yes, guilty as charged.”

    There are many deeper issues underlying why we have an international (including in the US) crisis with our children. These are of cultural, political, economic, and spiritual origin and not easily resolved, if this is even possible. In the mean time, if we can help the children caught in the crossfire (sometimes literally), then why not? I do not demand people join me in this cause, but if they are not on board with it I only ask that they please stay out of my way 🙂

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    • Joel, you are absolutely correct this orphan crisis is far from a simple thing. So many factors involved that a resolution is a long, long way off. But in the meantime, yes!, let’s help these kids caught in the crossfire any way we can! For some it is offering a home. For others it is offering support to adoptive families. For others it is financial or resource-based.
      I pray those who are reading these words right now are encouraged to learn more about how they can help.

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  10. My husband and I adopted from Russia in 2004. We had six biological children. We wanted one more. We heard a lot of the same, plus, “Don’t you think you have enough?” People can be so discouraging. I blog about all our “fun” and can be found on Facebook at Quirks and Chaos. Our adopted daughter has FAS but we knew that was a possibility when we began the process. I love our life and am so thankful God gave us the opportunities he has. We have been blessed over and over again.

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  11. I sense some jealously from those making those comments as they see the formation of a happy family. They want to enlist their will and vision on who you should have in your family and hide behind calls to help their own nation. Its’ not their business as much as we do let them who to marry.

    If someone feels that a domestic adoption should take place instead of an international adoption, they need to adopt a domestic child assigned to them.

    Children are not objects. If someone chooses to invite a child into their home and life, they should have be allowed to adopt someone that they connect with and are comfortable with.

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  12. Just in case anyone reading this has considered becoming foster/adoptive parents but is scared away by comments like “they’ll probably get taken back”… As a foster parent, you know that the #1 goal IS reunification with family. You also know that as a foster parent you have the 1st chance to adopt a child placed in your home when and if parental rights are terminated and there is no stable family to adopt the child. This happens more often than you’d think. We couldn’t afford international adoption and became fp because we had room and love to share. Even if all “our” children We’re temporary. 1 year after being licensed we adopted our son who moved in at 10 months and was 22 months old at adoption. The birth parents have NO rights anymore. They cannot come back. Ever. It makes me SO sad to hear people say they couldn’t become fp because it would hurt too bad to “give them back”. It hurts me worse to think of children who’ve been neglected or abused with nowhere to go because enough people won’t foster because it would hurt them too badly when and if the kiddos returned home. Just my opinion as a foster/adoptive parent. God bless ALL who adopt- no matter how. They ALL need love and stability!

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  13. Thank you for this article. I needed to hear this perception. My cousins were orphans and adoption is close to my heart. How can we change the broken system in America and help our orphaned children find loving homes? It’s so sad to hear that beauracracy is keeping these children trapped in the foster care system.

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  14. When we adopted from Brazil 20+ years ago, we could not find ANY child or children to adopt in the US. We were deemed too old (35 & 40), had bio children already, and social workers would not place a child of color in a “white” home. Crazy! We adopted 4 beautiful Brazilians. We definitely keep their culture “alive” for them. Liked tour article!

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    • Interesting, Sharon. You are not the first prospective adoptive parent who has said they were told they were “too old” to adopt U.S. kids. I’m intrigued by this and will look more into it. I don’t understand why the US would consider this a problem. People have biological children at those ages all the time.

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  16. If you have the ability to redeem an orphan and pay the price they never could, shouldn’t you do it? We have 2x and are likely not done. Adoption is an awesome picture of what redemption really is. It will teach you so much about your own blessings that you don’t deserve but someone still showers on you.

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  17. My husband and I fostered with the intent to adopt a special needs boy through our local agency. We were told he had been rejected for adoption several times by previous foster parents due to his limited intellectual abilities and minor physical difficulties. He was in our home for 7 months and the case worker began her countdown to when we were going to begin the adoption paperwork. And that is when the “inappropriate” behaviors started toward our pets.
    It turned out he should have never been placed in our home because our four biological children were chronologically younger than him in age. A mental health worker from the state gave us a history of this little boy that had been altered or omitted by our case worker. His previous adoptions failed due to his behaviors toward other children in the foster homes. Yet his sexual history was never disclosed to us and we were fortunate that our kids were old enough and big enough that he didn’t violate them.
    I was heart broken when he was moved to a new foster home (without pets or other children). I was angry for the danger I exposed my own children to. I felt betray by a case worker who acted like she had our best interest and his best interest in mind. I lost all trust for our “system”. I filed a complaint with the case workers supervisor and was told the information was not shared with me due to confidentiality. What????
    I swore I would never open my heart or home again.
    Never say never.
    Three years later God changed my heart and we hosted a young girl for 5 weeks from an orphanage in Eastern Europe. She is now our daughter. I support domestic and international adoption but for me and my family, we will adopt internationally. The entire process for us was very positive.

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  24. Pingback: Disrupted: Angie’s Adoption Story | Find the Lovely

  25. We are a military family. Believe it or not, this is a negative in the eyes of birth mothers and foster care case workers. If we got a foster placement and had to move, the kid has to stay in his state of origin. So we decided that would be unfair to the child whose life is already wraught with instability. And we were on the top of many birth mothers’ lists but they always wanted their baby to stay near so they could have a semi-open adoption.
    Adopting from Ukraine was 7 months, start to finish. And our son is no less deserving of love and home than an American kid.
    I wonder if these Negative Nellies ever consider that every adoptive family has a story. I wonder if they consider looking into adopting a couple of American kids themselves since they are so convicted about the kids We are adopting from other countries…

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  26. We have only adopted domestically. It is a misconception that a birthmother can change her mind a year later. It’s usually 30 days. But anyhow, we get the comments on the opposite end, with perceived compliments about his great we are because we adopted in our home country, mostly through the Foster care system. It happens so often that I have a reply all ready to go “Here’s the thing, there are kids everywhere that need families. There is no shortage. We go where we are led, so who knows, maybe tomorrow we will adopt internationally too. Many people don’t adopt here because of the red tape that surrounds our adoption laws. So, if it bothers you so much, advocate to make permanency laws focus on the best thing fur the child.”

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  27. While I whole heartedly agree with this article is the truth. I feel compelled to share that although the road was long and unknown, I never once thought it was harder than having a child of my body. That’s honest. I did not have children of my body- but God layed this beautiful child’s face on my heart when I was just 13. For me it was a matter of finding my way, and doing what I had to do to find her in the world. Even before I met my husband, I knew, we would met- and the journey? – well, it is such a treasure of memories that never cease to bring a tear if Joy to my eye- as I think of all the love, support and amazing families and new life-long friends we met along that path. I did not feel compelled to change the world- my desire was born of common sense for me. I have always loved children ( clearly all not my own) and when I became acutely aware there were children without a family- I didn’t understand why I needed to bring one into this world to be a mother. Just made sense in my 13 year old mind and a dream and vision that never left me. Finally, just 2months shy of my 50th birthday day, I held the most previous gift God could have given me. It seemed like a dream come true. Bit what that day began- has been a world wind of blessing I never dreamed of. Just the other night she said to me, ” mom, you know what I love about you? You love me.” Enough said. Those that have not opened their hearts to a child without a family- once you bravely open the door- it can be a watershed of gifts of the kind you never dreamed. Hard? Not any harder than raising a child if your body. Honestly!

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  28. We adopted 2 non-related children at the same time from Russia just over 11 years ago. Are they perfect children? No, but no one is perfect except Jesus. Are we ‘saints’ for adopting 2 from Russian orphanages? No. Why did we adopt from Russia & not the USA? Because we didn’t want a birth mother to back out, we didn’t want a custody battle down the road, we didn’t really want to deal with birth parent/birth family involvement right away. My family (dad’s side) came to the USA from Lithuania, close to where our kids are from–FAR western Russia, by Poland. Now that they are older, they ask about their birth families. I search for them on vk.com (Russia’s version of Facebook). God put it in our hearts to adopt. God made miracles happen for us to adopt our 2 kids. Life is hard but life is good.

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  29. Pingback: The most popular posts on Find the Lovely, and the story behind them | Find the Lovely

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